Understanding Me

As I have had a profound amount of time to sit in reflection within the past two months, I have begun to understand myself and my interests and my identity in new ways.

I have realized that there is this strong pressure in our society to define ourselves in one way or another. Are you earthy or NOT earthy? Do you wear makeup or go all natural? Now in some sense, I find definitions extremely helpful. My scientific speech pathologist brain LOVES neat and organized definitions. On the other hand, the pressure to define oneself can be confusing and stressful.

Ballet Dancer Anna

I've noticed that throughout my life, I have defined myself by whatever interest or time-consuming activity I have been most involved in. The obvious example is that throughout my entire childhood and adolescence, I defined myself as a ballet dancer. Then, after I took a step back from my rigorous training schedule, I stopped calling myself a dancer at all. After a few years, I realized that I didn't need to train 6 days a week to still consider myself a dancer, so I started using the term again to describe myself. But that was only one aspect of me.

I got kind of stuck on this. What else was special about me besides being a dancer? What else defined me? What else made me me? Still to this day, I struggle with this and I hate the interview questions about describing yourself in three words or even describing "what you do for fun." I always get caught on those questions because I feel like the ways I describe myself or the activities I do for fun change every minute... I understand why they are asked but I just always have a tough time with them. Sometimes for fun I spend two hours doing my nails. Other times for fun I brew Kombucha. But those don't seem to fit together very well and this is confusing to me!

Connection-based Anna

I am also a very connection-based person, so I often define myself based on my relationship with others. When I think of who I am, I think girlfriend, daughter, sister, friend, granddaughter, cousin, etc. All of these roles are certainly the most important connections in my life which is why I turn to them first. I fully embrace and celebrate this fact. But I also want to know who I am, as the individual human being that is Anna Sanders. And I still don't really know how to define that.

But in these past few months, something has become very clear to me. Understanding myself also involves an understanding that I am a constantly changing person with a wide variety of interests and it is ok if I have trouble fitting all the different parts of myself into a box that can be neatly tied up. It is ok to like things just because I like them, I don't have to have some sort of persona or trait that justifies my liking something. It is ok that some days I want to wear a full face of makeup and heels and do my hair and the next day I want to wear no makeup, sport my frizzy wavy hair, and wear sweats. Both days, I am still equally me. So below, I am writing a list of facts I know about myself, even if some of them seem to contradict other ones, because they all make me me!

Earth Loving Anna

I love the earth and spend hours thinking about my impact on it.

I am obsessed with organization and only owning things I use regularly.

I adore family heirloom jewelry.

I have trouble throwing away old letters. 

I don't like to wear unnatural perfume because it makes me feel less like myself. I love to smell pleasant.

I love camping but I hate spiders inside my tent and I don't really enjoy sleeping on the ground.

I am super lovey-dovey but also like to avoid lovey-dovey situations because they can make me too emotional.

Manicured Anna

I love manicures. Sometimes I like to get the most natural pink and other times I want dark brown and other times I want neon orange.

I love hugs more than anything else in the world but only when I am in the mood for them.

Sometimes I do my nails or my makeup and leave it on for like one or two hours but then take it off because I also love not having makeup on or my nails done.

I am an introvert and also hate being alone.

I love crossword puzzles but only if they have to do with pop culture.

I sometimes think birds are average but then I remember that they have hearts and can fly through the sky and then I am completely fascinated by them.

I used to say I prefer things like Art and English over things like Science and Anatomy because I wanted it to be true but it's totally not.

I used to do ballet every day of the week and now I do it like once every two months but I'm still and forever will be a dancer.

Dancer Anna

I completely agree with every aspect of a vegetarian lifestyle but I eat chicken.

I like getting haircuts at Great Clips and Neroli.

I think often about health and wellness and I love to eat unhealthy foods, especially donuts.

I feel extreme joy when someone I love feels joy. 

Anyway, there's just a portion of the things I know about myself and while I can't categorize them to fit into a box with a label, they help me understand me and that makes me happy :) 

Family Member Anna

xoxo, AIS